Friday, February 17, 2017

We finished the Wall Press Conference

Almost live from the White House:

Republican President Donald Trump arrives riding a white Charger.

Fox News reports: The President rode in a white Dodge Charger driven by Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

CNN reports: The President was playing with a Tonka toy.

The President walks to the podium and leads the Pressroom reporters in prayer.

Fox News: The President humbled himself before the fake news reporters.

CNN: The President nodded off with his chin on his chest, snoring.

"Good afternoon, Members of the Press and all you others.

Today, I announce completion of the Wall with Mexico but did I mention my exceptional victory in the Electoral College? Most of you others haven't been reporting the truth but I had millions, millions I say, come to my after party. We won by the largest margin ever. I had 307 and half. That Green Party lady got none. Impressive victory.

The Wall. We started the wall right after calling Russian in December. I said, "I'm going to build the wall." Some of you don't remember and didn't report it. Putin has it on tape. So, while you losers were making up stories about Russian. And, Russia is fake. Fake. We built the Wall. That's right. THE Wall.

It's done and no one reported on it. Fake news will say I never built it. But, we did. I did. It's there. Duh!

We have pictures. I'm not going to share them. The fake news won't print them. Honestly. Honest.

My car is running like a well oiled machine. My driver says so. I don't have a mechanic. Don't need one. Nothing breaks while I'm around.

So, I won. It was big. I'm keeping my campaign promises. Counting my votes again. I got more votes than money. Did any one have any questions?"

Fox News reports: The legitimate President's new conference concluded quietly after a brief question and answer period.

CNN reports: As Trump left the pressroom, three reporters were shot with tazers by the Secret Service as Trump giggled like a girl.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Trump Bans

Just released via Twitter for immediate retort:

By executive order, by the power invested in me in the unrigged election where I won the popular vote by 'millions,' the following words are banned.

Ray-ban

Bananas

Slurban

Ameban

Urban

Goban

All these bans are banned until the current Mulban ban is banned. Until then, all words ending in ban will be replaced with Trumpban.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Trump at Work

From a co-worker: The women in the march were single, ugly, and never had a man and never will.

Being work, my response was mild. "Oh no. Most of them were housewives with nothing else to do."

Single Conservative men over the age of 25 with no girlfriends don't get sarcasm.

Trump's accomplishments on first weekend in office

Donald Trump just named MVP of NFC Championship Game.

Afterwards, he played 18 holes of golf and scored 19 holes in one.

Per White House Press release marked, "Alternative facts."

Trump at work

At work. Two of my co-workers told me the Clintons had closed down their 'foundation,' taken down the website, and were shredding documents. They're going to be in prison for the rest of their lives. Trump's keeping his promise to arrest her.

So, being work, my response was mild. 'Oh wow! No shit! You're not kidding me are you?'

No. The website has been taken down.

So I opened the website which is very against policy. 'Hey! It's still working!'

But it doesn't work. Trump has probably seized it to get donor lists. No one can donate now, especially the Saudi Princes.

So, I made a $25 donation while they watched.

Still unconvinced, they began showing me editorial headlines.

So I showed them Snopes.

So they showed me a FoxNews link.

So I read the content to them. On August 22, Bill Clinton announced the downsizing of the Global Initiative, which operates under the Foundation umbrella. All employees had been notified of the coming change to take effect, January 1, 2017.

I had a quiet night at work after that.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Education and the word on the street

In my street confrontation with my neighborhood friend, my friend bitched about how his wife, a teacher, was forced to work well into the night, usually in the basement while he slept.

He mentioned that all the Flowery Branch elite had fled the public schools leaving these kids that don't even know their daddies. He repeated that at least twice, These kids don't even know their daddies.

His suggestion? If we hear anyone talk about becoming a teacher, Beat them with a club. If they get up, beat them again. Keep beating them until they no longer want to be teachers.

Sounds like he wants to beat his wife, eh?