Monday, December 28, 2015

Friends, Family, RUSSIANS!

Sorry. I don't remember how the salute goes.

This week, 31 Russians entered my blog in a single mass invasion. Thirty-one! All together.

Glorious Invasion!


Saturday, December 26, 2015

Problem solving, Southern Style

I had the best time at work today.

My last customer of the day wanted to pick up his special order without a receipt. Wonderful. He didn't know the part number.

I researched his purchase history and determined he had bought p/n 48719. He paid cash. More than a week ago.

I started searching for good ol' 48719 on the special order shelf. Not there. I looked through the paper orders for 48719. No orders which means the order was filled. Searched again through all the special orders. Nothing. Went to the Commercial department and searched the filled orders. Nothing.

Went to the Manager on Duty for suggestions. Go back and look again. If nothing, look in the special order items being returned. Small note: We returned special orders after holding them for 7 days.

No 48719. Looked at inventory. We do not stock 48719. We do not have one on order. It comes in a small transparent box.

So, my "I don't have a receipt for my special order" customer asked, "Can't you find it?"

Really, Dude? You've been watching me search and heard me ask for help.

"No, I can't find it."

So order me another one ...

Absolutely. While I'm trying to re-order his special order part ... "Oh, and have it delivered to the store closest to my home."

You bet, Asshole.

So, our system won't allow me to order his special order part without pre-payment which would mean he'd have to pay twice to get one part.

Explain that to him. Have Manager on Duty come help. He and I can't figure that out. Customer still calm and easy to work with. Doing okay.

Advise him: My name is Your Little Bitch and I will order this part, call him with an expected delivery date, and have it shipped to his favorite store.

Now the shit hits the fan. Manager on Duty is still trying to bypass the system to order the special order part without pre-payment. Three other customers are waiting in line. Newest employee is going out in the parking lot to provide a free service to a customer.

Not content with that, newest employee decides to solve the special order problem.

"Just order it and when it comes in, ship it to his favorite store, closer to his home."

I spewed split pea soup at him. Levitated 2 feet off of the floor, And held up a wooden cross while screaming, "I am not going to let three people solve one problem!"

I let gravity return me gracefully to a fully upright and standing on my own two feet position. Calmly, I wiped the split pea soup from my lips and covered the wooden cross with leather before securing it in a mahogany box.

Mr. Special Order smiled. Nodded his head in approval. Put one hand on my counter. "I'll check back in a few days. Maybe next week or year. I feel really good about you taking responsibility."

Having solved another solvable problem, I closed my ass out and went home where I'm loved and cherished.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Trump shocked by bathroom issues, fear of toilets, and

Yes, Donald, women use the restroom when needed.

So do I.

Maybe you have a private pisser with you where ever you go.

But, I use the public restroom when I'm traveling.

AND, we don't talk about it much. Well, maybe we talk about Republicans with a wide stance. But, mostly, regular people don't discuss the quality of the seat or the relationship an asshole has with single sheet TP. Just because it is a public restroom, doesn't mean there are no walls.

So try it some time, if you have the courage to stand in line, unzip yourself, and shake the last drop out before washing in your hands.

Other people do it.

Your whole thing about how your shit doesn't stink is bullshit. Which gets me to the punch line.

If you've been holding it in for all these years, no wonder you're full of shit.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Possible Star Wars spoilers

If Star Wars were truly Americanized ...

All Light Sabers would be semi-automatic with pistol grips.

Snowspeeders would have had better ground effect skirts.

The Imperial AT-AT would have painted pink desert camo.

The Millennium Falcon would have some old bumper stickers supporting Bush/Cheney for Emperor.

The Stormtrooper's uniform would have a drop down back door. And, graffiti on the helmets.

Darth Vader would have been drinking Coke Zero.

Luke's Landspeeder would have had sunvisors with lighted vanity mirrors and an Elvis bobblehead doll on the dash.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Your 2nd Amendment explained

In the debate about gun control, many gun enthusiasts argue that the Second Amendment to the Constitution was written, not for the purposes of hunting or even self-defense, but specifically to give people the ability to rise up against the government when they no longer support that government.

These gun enthusiasts further hold the reference to the word militia in the Second Amendment refers to the armed populace in general. As such, this militia has the right to own the type of weapons that would be required to overthrow the government if need be.

Let’s take a look at exactly what the Founding Fathers put in the Constitution and other laws about the Militia:

Article I, Section 8
of the Constitution lists among the powers of Congress: To provide for calling forth the Militia to execute the Laws of the Union, suppress Insurrections and repel Invasions; To provide for organizing, arming, and disciplining, the Militia, and for governing such Part of them as may be employed in the Service of the United States, reserving to the States respectively, the Appointment of the Officers, and the Authority of training the Militia according to the discipline prescribed by Congress;

Article II, Section 2: The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the Militia of the several States, when called into the actual Service of the United States;

Amendment 2: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment 5: No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger;

That is every reference to the Militia in the Constitution. The description of the Militia in Article I sounds very much like our country’s National Guard. It is supposed to be well-organized with officers and training.

From Myth

Monday, December 14, 2015

You know it is time for a change when ....

A co-worker asked to help run his campaign for State Legislature. I quit my job. Destroyed my cell phone. Burned my house to the ground. Scarred my face with acid and I'm sharing a cardboard box under the 10th Street Bridge with five other Political refugees from the Planet of Swollen Egos.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Racism in Retail

I can't verify Drury's story. But, I will tell a similar one from work this week.

If you don't know already, I have a part time retail delivery job. When I'm not delivering, I help out in the store.

I'm helping an elderly Black man at the cash registrar when a 'kid in a Rebel flag shirt' makes a stupid move. Dumb kid. Might have been 16 or might have been 26. Always wears this Rebel flag t-shirt with no sleeves.

So Flag kid should stand in line BEHIND my customer. He doesn't. He comes up and leans on my counter right at the elbow of my first customer. I didn't say anything but I tried really hard to make eye contact with my customer as if the kid wasn't there, ignoring the kid, and to show all my focus is on the right person at the right time.

Of course, my elderly man really wants away from the kid. Turns slightly away from the kid as the transaction is finished and leaves quickly.

So I say to the kid, "Do you know that you made that man feel uncomfortable?"

And the dumb ass reply was .... Fill in the blank using small words of less than 4 letters.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Russia Responds

Today, 31 brave Russians defied Putin and visited my blog!

I expect a Russian cruise missile launched from the Great Lakes is speeding towards my server. Putin wouldn't dare target an American exercising free speech.

Putin! Keep the shirt on you hairless skinny bastard. The Proud Russian is a Bear with Hair.

Kiss my grits you piece of shit.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015


Russia continues to block me.

However, five people in the Ukraine are solidly with me. Two in China dare to search out the truth. Australia is with me this month for a bloody total of 34.

Canada can't be far behind.

Weird things I learned yesterday on Facebook and other places

O Tannenbaum isn't a Christmas song. It refers to a pagan relationship with a fir tree, a very faithful fir tree. The tune is used as the official State Song of Florida, Iowa, Maryland, and Michigan. A German version of On Top of Old Smoky.

On Facebook, I learned about how our feelings created thoughts which really pissed me off. But, I thought about it before I got angry. Then, I learned that I have no common ground with others because I'm too emotional. Now that I knew how to handle. I told the deeply conflicted self appointed second coming of Christ that if he feels like I'm pissing on him, it's because I am.

He's still overthinking that one.

I lost my cool again over the sound byte, If we ban guns, only criminals will have guns.

Who the frack are these criminals? Do they run red lights for jollies while waiting for the coming gun ban? Maybe they speed down the interstate at 73 mph in the 65 mph zones. So what are the criminals doing now? You know as well as I do.

The quote has nothing to do with existing criminals. It's a threat, a very violent threat. "IF you try to ban my guns, I'll kill your ass."

Do you really think criminals don't already have guns? Do ya think more criminals will have more guns if guns are banned? No. If guns were against the law, gun owners would break the law. So much for the good guy with a gun theme. Seems like we should read more into these sound bytes.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Russian readership

Suddenly, no one in Russia is reading my blog.

So .... Putin sucks lemons, farts the lyrics to My Darling Clementine, and eats with his fingers. Well, not his fingers but the fingers he had cut off of other people and kept in his dining room as memorabilia.

Russia used to be 20% of my readers. This month? Zero ...

Friday, December 4, 2015

Is it time for a walk down Green Street with an AK47?

Ever get strange ideas? Of course you do. Bet you don't share them. Most of the time.

I drove past a McDonald's and I thought, 'We are what we eat.'

Then, my brain stretched that out to, 'We are what we eat and who we meet.'

A conjoined sentence which needs some clarity.

If the food which we eat determines how our body, like if we eat bacon we get pig fat, then does our human interactions determine our mental health in a same way.

Do you spend all day working in a retail store full of idiots speaking slang terms, asking half formed questions, and looking for custom fabrications?

Might make you rude, eh?

What if you never see a mass shooting? Never hear the dying screams of children? Never clean clotted blood with a garden hose?

Might make you indifferent to violence, eh?

So what IF ... I buy an assault rifle, a good pistol, and get a conceal carry permit? Then, show up at the Gainesville Christmas Parade openly packing iron?

I'd be just exercising my basic right to be confrontational, right? Sort of like Free Speech with a side order of terrorism?

I'm so thinking ... I love a parade.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

At least 12 more dead in a mass shooting.

I tried. I really did. I said it would happen again. It did.

Mass shooting victims die screaming. Screaming.

Bullets crush through human flesh. They do not carve like a knife. Bullets crush flesh and boil human fluids.

The victim dies horribly. Seldom is death quick. Gabby Giffords remained awake and talking after that bullet crushed through her bones and her brain. Shot in the head, alive, aware and in pain; just like Robert Kennedy on the kitchen floor of a hotel, she was able to speak, think, and feel.

If you still have human feelings, imagine all the victims, all who have ever been killed with a gun, walking down your streets, not in a death march, but in a parade.

A parade of carnage never seen in your living rooms, churches, your food restaurants.

Imagine them like those Walking Dead zombies caught forever between life and peaceful death. Each of them looking to you with pleading eyes. Their bodies already damaged but not dead. Pleading with you.

Help me.

Crazy idea

Didn't work.