Almost live from the White House:
Republican President Donald Trump arrives riding a white Charger.
Fox News reports: The President rode in a white Dodge Charger driven by Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
CNN reports: The President was playing with a Tonka toy.
The President walks to the podium and leads the Pressroom reporters in prayer.
Fox News: The President humbled himself before the fake news reporters.
CNN: The President nodded off with his chin on his chest, snoring.
"Good afternoon, Members of the Press and all you others.
Today, I announce completion of the Wall with Mexico but did I mention my exceptional victory in the Electoral College? Most of you others haven't been reporting the truth but I had millions, millions I say, come to my after party. We won by the largest margin ever. I had 307 and half. That Green Party lady got none. Impressive victory.
The Wall. We started the wall right after calling Russian in December. I said, "I'm going to build the wall." Some of you don't remember and didn't report it. Putin has it on tape. So, while you losers were making up stories about Russian. And, Russia is fake. Fake. We built the Wall. That's right. THE Wall.
It's done and no one reported on it. Fake news will say I never built it. But, we did. I did. It's there. Duh!
We have pictures. I'm not going to share them. The fake news won't print them. Honestly. Honest.
My car is running like a well oiled machine. My driver says so. I don't have a mechanic. Don't need one. Nothing breaks while I'm around.
So, I won. It was big. I'm keeping my campaign promises. Counting my votes again. I got more votes than money. Did any one have any questions?"
Fox News reports: The legitimate President's new conference concluded quietly after a brief question and answer period.
CNN reports: As Trump left the pressroom, three reporters were shot with tazers by the Secret Service as Trump giggled like a girl.