It was a Saturday morning. My wife and I were headed to Myrtle Beach, SC. I had on shorts and flip flops. Something under the dash brushed my left leg. I looked down. “Damn car is falling apart! Look at that bundle of wires that just fell out of the dash.” That's what I thought. Really. "Gosh Darn Detroit and Tokyo, too." I started to reach for the thing and it MOVES!

Rather smoothly with no trace of anxiety I turned to my bride of 35 years and said, "Would you mind taking the wheel? CAUSE THERE'S A SNAKE IN THE CAR AND I GOTTA GOOOOOooooooo!"

You know 'that' woman didn't believe me. She thought it was another one of my tricks to make her drive so I could take a nap!

I had to grab the darn thing and hand it to her before she got serious. The wheel. NOT the snake. When I say, Take the wheel ... I mean take the wheel!

Like I was going to grab up under the dash to get a snake while doing a hundred and five. Hell. I didn't know my car could still do a hundred. Need to scare the carburetor more often.

So there I am, sitting in the backseat watching my wife Susan drive from the passenger seat. Dang. That was fun to watch. Glad the cruise control was set. I had a short conversation with my Maker while Susan did the Apache fertility and rain dance in her bucket seat.

If the dang snake had had any common sense, it would have tapped the brakes.

Pulled over at a gas station and did the Fill'er up and Check under the hood pantomime to the attendant. And, “Oh, would you mind ever so much to get the snake out of the dash?” Alas, there just no full service gas stations left.

Spent a good ten minutes sticking my feet out of the window while poking my left hand into all the hidden nooks behind the dash. Seriously, would you have used your right hand or your left hand to cover your mouth so you wouldn't scream like a girl every 3 seconds?

I learned that my wife can still scream "Get it out!" as loud now as she did that night 30 years ago when our first child was born weighing 11 pounds. The only difference was that this time I shared her sense of urgency.

Does the owners manual have a chapter on removing reptiles? Oh Heck NO!. I am going to write Nissan about that. It needs to go right after the section for removing dead cats from the alternator belt.

After 10 minutes the snake wasn't through with 'Hide n Seek.' So we came up with plan B. BURN THE CAR!

Plan C was to get back in the car and start driving again. Lull the snake into a false sense of security then grab it, beat it to death with a shoe, THEN burn the car just in case snakes are like cats and hide from humans to give birth.

Started back on the road with Susan doing the Lotus position. Me? I was the bait waiting for "Death" to grab my ankles again.

After about 10 miles, Susan says, "Turn the heat on."

I was only kidding about burning the car. After a "heated discussion," my wife got the honor of turning off my A/C and turning on the heat to drive The Serpent from it's hiding place.

Those who are old enough to remember the pleasures of 260 air conditioning, it hasn't changed any.

It just as hot driving 60 with 2 windows down as it is driving 60 with no windows down.

Slowly, the snake crawled out of the steering column trying to reach the A/C controls. Silly me. I snatched his wittle neck before he hit the ON button. My wife celebrated the capture with another chorus of “GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!”

Now things were really getting getting serious. I had my right hand on the steering wheel. A snake in my left hand. And, my wife was having flash backs to the birth of our second child who weighted a nice 11 pounds FIVE ounces. She never lets me forget about those five extra ounces of masculinity she produced just for me, her loving husband.

Despite the nearly over whelming desire to let go off the steering wheel to turn on the A/C, I guided the car safely to the next exit with a Love's Travel Center. Not only does the Love's chain of Travel Centers have the best gasoline prices and the cleanest restrooms, they also have showers.

Sometimes without a waiting list.

I pulled the car under the shade of the fueling island and discovered that the back half of the snake didn't really want to be evicted without proper legal notice. Do you know how to convince a snake's ass let go of the airbag?

Trust me. You don't want to just give it a sharp jerk. In the new owners manual, the manufacturer will provide graphic evidence that it is better to slowly remove reptiles in one piece than it is to clean up several sections of snake guts.

My arson trial starts in 3 weeks. I'm pleading self-defense.