Nightmares

When I'm not having night mares about Republicans, I have those regular ol' nightmares about snakes.

Last night, I dreamed a snake had laid eggs in my throat and the little crawlers were hatching.

In a panic, I ripped my throat out. That was a mistake. Did you know you can't scream without a throat?

All I could do was stagger out into the street covered with blood and baby snakes, holding the bloody mass that had been my throat.

Lucky for me, my neighbors are used to seeing me in worse shape. Even when I'm not dreaming. They speed dialed 911 for me. Again.

The ambulance was there quickly. I think they have my address pre-set in their GPS even in my nightmares. By the time the EMTs got me to Northeast Georgia Medical Center, three of the little vipers had been adopted. EMTs are very compassionate like that

I have to admit they were cute, too. The baby vipers not the EMTs.

I'm keeping the runt of the litter.

At the ER, Nurse Debbie and Doctor Bob got me into a treatment room right away. Sometimes, I think there is someone going on between those two. Heck, that room can't always be open just for me and my nightmares. I'll have to ask when I get my voice back.

Some Ob/Gyn came in to check on my progress. He said a natural delivery should have been done instead of that messy C-Section. He went on to say that with my big mouth, he could deliver a small truck and the Gettysburg address at the same time.

I thought about giving him a piece of my mind. He looked like that type who would put it in a glass jar and keep it in his office.

The customer service rep came in with a clip board asking me about my insurance coverage. I told her I had United Healthcare and she made an ugly face. I wasn’t really in the mood for that kind of judgmental body language. Wouldn't have bothered me at all, or it shouldn't have. After all, I had ripped my own throat out. But, still, she didn't have to be rude.

She enjoyed telling me that United Healthcare doesn't cover birthing no baby snakes at Northeast Georgia.

I qualified for Emergency Obamacare. It kicks in the year 2013 instead of 2014. I felt very lucky.

Things were winding down and I was feeling some of that post-partum blues when the Mother's attorney came in. She was suing me for custody and support and wanted a college scholarship fund.

I hope they like Georgia Tech.

I tried getting them into UGA but only Tech takes native born snakes.

Finally, my wife shocked me awake with a cattle prod. Sometimes a good nightmare is hard to leave. Last time, she used 110 volts. That left a scar!

She was rather PO'd at me again. Said I left the garage door up, my fishing poles on the deck, and my muddy boots in the closet. I'm smart enough after 35 years of marriage to say, "I'm sorry, Hun. I was kind of tired. I'll clean it up right now.

By the way, do you know where I put the worms?"